I don’t remember what it feels like to love you.
I only remember the excruciating pain.
The unforgettable scent of your cologne after a long embrace.
I remember dark nights with that same song on repeat.
I remember what it felt like to touch you.
I remember listening to the sound of your heartbeat as I laid my head on your chest.
I remember thinking “savor this moment…it’ll be the last.”
From now on he won’t give you the opportunity.
He’ll only allow you small doses of his love.
I remember yearning for you.
I remember writing poems in empty notebooks about you.
I never forget how safe I felt with you.
In fact, I searched for that feeling on the tongue of every man I kissed after you.
I remember the day we broke it off.
I remember acting so cool.
I remember being broken.
I remember being insecure.
I remember not being able to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
I remember your reassurance.
I remember your lies.
I remember not being able to sleep because you consumed my dreams
I remember praying for sleep to come because you also consumed my reality.
I remember crying.
I remember falling to my knees begging the air to fill my lungs.
Begging to wake up from this horrible nightmare.
Begging that God would finally release me from the pain.
I remember pain.
I mourn the pieces of me that I lost.
But I rejoice in what was gained.
I don’t remember what it feels like being in love with you
…or maybe I do?
You said you hoped you never made it to a poem
Well, Mr. Right, you’ve found your way into my notebook and into my heart
I never wanted to write about you
Because all of my poems are like curses that wipe away my love once I’ve written between the lines
So I’m sorry.
I tried to avoid the inevitable but your words
They wrapped themselves around me with comforting intent
They kept me warm when you weren’t there
They made everything ok when I hit rock bottom
You were there
Like my favorite teddy bear after a nightmare
I held you close. I never wanted to let go. I loved.
With so much of me. And I went to sleep at night with prayers on my lips of a love reciprocated.
Prayed that your heart would match mine on that day.
It came like the after wind of a passing train
I stood on a platform waiting for you to stop and repeat those words
But you didn’t.
So like my hair in the wind, like my coat tail, like the tears hanging from my lid
I stood against the raging force of your silence
Praying for a sign that you’d reverse
That you’d repeat those words
That my heart wasn’t alone in this.
I prayed that for once, my poem wasn’t a curse
But a fortune. Dying to be read.
I love you
We dance hand in hand across the boarders of PG like a black and white couple in the south divided by lines of segregation
If only they knew
Your boarders cradled my childhood
I nestled in the knooks of your ghettos
Nursed on your rich history
I bet they didn’t know
That my fathers tears cried rivers that paved these streets
He was never afraid to cry
I see my grandmothers smile carved into the weathered cement outside her front door
That’s why I cry when they fill the cracks with gentrification
My tears aren’t strong enough to hold together the history in the walls of my grandfathers house
So they sell it
To the highest bidder
But the dollars in these dreams have no value
No amount can buy the sunflower seed covered front porch in the dead heat of the summer
Money can’t buy the hood anthem blaring from the speakers of the ice cream truck
Or fingers bouncing of our chucks as we so delicately chose the next “it”
I remember those weekends when you opened your arms to me like a daddy who’d been gone at war
You fought my battles
And your neighborhoods have the scars to prove it
He called me bitter.
I said I’m not bitter
my heart is laid on a foundation
of shattered glass of your broken promises.
You promised this time would be better
gave me a million reasons why choosing you
would be the best decision of my life
It was the worst.
So I did what I knew to do
I blasted you
On Twitter and Facebook
and if I remembered my MySpace password
I’d probably put in big bold glittery fonts how much I hate you there too
I wasted entirely too much of my time
I’m sure there is a line of chicks waiting to get their hearts broken too
I wish I could gather the women scorned
to write poems of petition
to get you and all the other bitch niggas
excommunicated from the world of dating
I’ll write this poem
And hopefully one of the lovely ladies
waiting in line for a world of misery
will read between these lines and realize
that I’m talking to you.
Maybe I can save one of them.
Maybe even two.
for the life of me
I can’t figure out why
we loan our hearts to the same man
who’s trust was repossessed by the last chick
This can’t be life.
I carry my heart from doorstep to doorstep
forgetting to mark the package with FRAGILE
I forgot to ask you to handle with care
So you took me there
I guess I am bitter.
Cause those shards of your promises
hurt like the pain of 1000 kisses
from chapped lips.
I’d rather stand on the edge of loneliness
than fall from peering into the never ending cycle of your pain.
He said I’m bitter.
and asked him to give me one reason why I shouldn’t be.
I woke up and wiped the love from my eyes
S**t was blinding
I kept missing the opportunity and the dreams I kept finding
Like they waited there for me to write them
But love had me blinded
Love had me wide open like the doors he held open
Like his nostrils when I first walked by
Wide open like my legs on day three
It blinded me
I’m inclined to say that it was all his fault
But the blind leading the blind makes it almost impossible to walk
S**t was crazy
I was surrounded by everything I ever wanted
Flaunted his name around my friends like he was kin
Danced with his mixed signals till my heart grew thin
He rested his dreams on my breasts at night
Picked them up in the morning cause he knew I couldnt bear the burden
I learned him
I knew him better than I knew myself
Till I lost sight of the two
I was you
Our hands wrote the same poems
We smiled in the same tune
He said I love you
But that meant youre unusual
I was an unfamiliar lyric set to an exotic beat
He felt me
And like his favorite beat
He nodded his head to me
His lyric tickled my fancy
He was everything
I made him my world when he only needed a piece of me
A peace of me
And when we made love it never felt like the last time
In that moment your rhyme became my reason
You said you’d never force me to leave your side
You kissed me with your heart and my lips still tingle from your lies.
Last night I never made it home
I cried for hours
On the phone
With my best friend
Telling her how much I hated yet still loved him
Ole boy don’t love you, slim
He’s just using what he can
To get what he can’t get with her
Wipe the tears
Put the key in the ignition
Petal to the floor
Gear in drive
And stared back at his front door
If only I could get him to love me
I leave messages with words like baby and boo
I’ll send texts that simply say I love you
Because that’s just what I do
I’ll spread my hips
And allow him to take
What he wishes
In hopes that I’ve convinced him to
Give up what he’s known for so long
And then that voice in the back of my mind
Taps me on my shoulder and
Whispers in my ear and says
Honey, you’re just the other woman
And play your role
Give him what he wants
And get up and roll
This is not the place to find love
I drive off wondering what tomorrow will bring
The same thing
Only this time I’ll hope that it’s different
I’ll hope for soft touches, nice words
And sweet kisses
For 40 minutes
I’ll play wife instead of mistress
We won’t have to send texts
I’ll talk and he’ll listen
Until we both hear that car engine
In the distance
I hide in the closet
Creep down the back stairs
Out the front door
Over the lawn and
I’m safe in my car
A plexiglass asylum
It is here that bang on the steering wheel
Scream at God and tell him to fix my problems
It is here that I remember…
We forgot to use a condom
So WE hide in the closet
WE creep down the back stairs
Out the front door
Over the lawn and
We can’t hide it no more
Sin stands in the doorway
tapping her stiletto against the floor
twiddling her freshly painted nails
a smile on lips threatening to tell the tales of our endeavors
she is pregnant with infidelity
and in nine months, she will birth our truths
They will cry out from wombs
Stained with lies that drip from our passion soaked lips
Bearing a heart that was ripped from a child-less wife
A life that’s only proof that your vows meant absolutely nothing
I now pronounce you mother and father
You may kiss the mistress
Check out www.diVERSEcityblog.com for the audio.
So many of you have either heard me perform “Intimidated” or have read it somewhere on a social networking site. It is one of my favorite poems and it holds a special place in my heart, so I re-wrote it – adding just a little extra umph! to it.
I think that
I think the ride of my breast and the bulge in my belly
Make you scared to approach me
It’s the spread of my hips
Or the thickness of my lips
Or maybe you fear being swallowed by my kiss
Because these here lips
Are lethal weapons
Used to fire ammunition called intellect
Nothing less than respect
So maybe the scarcity
Of a woman like me
Leaves you wrestling with your psyche
Trying to force your way past social norms of society
To admit that you love me
…and my fat legs.
Your validation doesn’t complete me
but maybe for your own security
You can tell me how bad I really am.
And yes, I got a little extra meat on these thighs
And maybe my silhouette is not so pleasing to the eye
I may not turn heads when I walk down the street
With my three inch stilettos on these size ten feet
Yes, I do worry about fitting into the airplane seat
And no, I do not shop in stores that have petite
Excuse me but, I need a size 20
You’re scared that you will be consumed by
This 5’6” woman and her thunder thighs
You admire me
You wish that you had the courage to remove the standard
Walk away being you and not some false depiction
But if I could make a slight prediction
I would say that
99.9% of women in the media
On TV, Movies, Videos
The ones standing next to the rapper being called “hoes”
Even they are not your “average girl”
So instead of conforming to an imperfection
I embrace my collection
Of beautiful flaws and untamed pretty
Cause if he doesn’t see my beauty
His vision is far less than 20/20
Because he’s GOT to be scared of a queen so sleek
Cause even my flat booty is unique
Every dimple, every mark,
every scar, every spot that’s dark
every curve that defines my womanhood
So if you think your lack of attention affects me
I think you have me severely misunderstood
Because on a throne
Somewhere waiting to give me a home
Is my King
In fact he rubs my belly
And embraces my ugly pretty
He wears my heart on his sleeve right next to his own
it’s diamond studded with a purple stone
cause he knows it my favorite color
He sees past the flaws
and peers deeply into my soul
Where he digs up blackened insecurities
and plants seeds of gold
Golden dreams of virtue,
golden dreams of peace and
Golden dreams of love.
To him, I’m never a threat
Yet, he sees my strength as a women
and allows me to shine
Bright like the stars that he placed in the sky for me.
So the next time you see a women of my stature walk down your street
Remember she’s worth more than a ruby
She’s a gem, embedded with God’s love
and placed beneath a light that reveals every facet of her beauty.
So I understand if you can’t comprehend such a thing
God has never made a mistake, especially not in me.